by Rachel New
This guest post is written by Rachel New who is one of the Lewisham Libraries' Outreach Officers.
Our book for CityRead, Londons' annual celebration of reading, for 2019 is Sofia Khan is Not Obliged by Ayisha Malik. This book is a funny, moving and honest story of the dating experiences of a young British-Pakistani Muslim woman and her friends. There are some culturally-specific dating practices (although the women vary in how “strict” they are), but there are also some universal ones. In this blog post I review some books on dating that are available from Lewisham Libraries.
If you’ve been dating and not having much luck, or you’re thinking about dating for the first time in years, you might have wondered what the psychological processes are that lie behind mate selection, or need some tips from relationship therapists about what makes a relationship work.
Reading about other people’s dating experiences can help you to avoid the classic mistakes people make when they first start dating, and understanding the unwritten rules of twenty-first century dating can help you avoid a culture shock. Here are some books about dating that I have enjoyed and been inspired by.
Be sure to try our Lewisham Libraries special love quiz
Suggested Reading
The 5 Love Languages
by Gary Chapman, 2019.
This is a pop psychology book written by a Christian that has become very popular. I’ve found the ideas very relevant and think it’s applicable to all our relationships, partners, dates, friends and family. You can analyse how you communicate love and commitment to your loved ones, and how they communicate to you. Often there is a mismatch, such as when my friend got a car for her birthday from her husband when all she wanted was to for once spend a whole day with him. He was perfectly happy that he’d expressed his love for her, but it wasn’t in her love language. The book suggests how you can learn to talk the language of the other person. (You can also read 5 Love Languages of Children and The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace, both by Gary Chapman.)
There are online quizzes if you don’t want to read the book, and you can try our Lewisham Libraries version here.
by Gary Chapman, 2019.
This is a pop psychology book written by a Christian that has become very popular. I’ve found the ideas very relevant and think it’s applicable to all our relationships, partners, dates, friends and family. You can analyse how you communicate love and commitment to your loved ones, and how they communicate to you. Often there is a mismatch, such as when my friend got a car for her birthday from her husband when all she wanted was to for once spend a whole day with him. He was perfectly happy that he’d expressed his love for her, but it wasn’t in her love language. The book suggests how you can learn to talk the language of the other person. (You can also read 5 Love Languages of Children and The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace, both by Gary Chapman.)
There are online quizzes if you don’t want to read the book, and you can try our Lewisham Libraries version here.
Copies
Search the Library Catalogue
Search the Library Catalogue
Stella Grey’s The heartfix: an online dating story, 2017.
This is a compelling, hilarious and painful biographical account of a woman in her fifties who experienced the highs and lows of online dating, and was first a very popular weekly column in The Guardian. I learnt a lot about the discrepancy between the online fantasy and the offline reality from this book – it’s so easy to get emotionally involved with someone you’ve never met, and then experience inevitable disappointment when you meet. It’s even worse when you’re the one disappointing them! There are lots of lessons to be learned here – such as don’t message each other for too long before meeting or at least video-chatting; and be prepared for a lot of first dates that don’t led anywhere – it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, it might just be that you’re not compatible. There are also a lot of people dating that aren’t ready for a relationship, and Stella eventually learns to spot them early on.
This is a compelling, hilarious and painful biographical account of a woman in her fifties who experienced the highs and lows of online dating, and was first a very popular weekly column in The Guardian. I learnt a lot about the discrepancy between the online fantasy and the offline reality from this book – it’s so easy to get emotionally involved with someone you’ve never met, and then experience inevitable disappointment when you meet. It’s even worse when you’re the one disappointing them! There are lots of lessons to be learned here – such as don’t message each other for too long before meeting or at least video-chatting; and be prepared for a lot of first dates that don’t led anywhere – it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, it might just be that you’re not compatible. There are also a lot of people dating that aren’t ready for a relationship, and Stella eventually learns to spot them early on.
How to click
by Trevor Silvester, 2016.
Written by a therapist who has done his fair share of dating, this book is full of practical tips as well as theory to help you reduce your stress, anxiety or negative expectations about dating. For example, you can learn to associate a scent with positive experiences, and then spray it just before your date. The scent will evoke a positive, confident mood that works wherever you are. Many people have had bad dating experiences that confirm beliefs like “I’m not lovable”, or when we get a compliment we can think “He’s just being nice”. Silvester encourages us to re-train our brain to focus on evidence that confirms positive ways of seeing yourself. Often we only notice the negative. He discusses the question of whether “opposites attract”, and how to work out if you’re compatible. It’s a down-to-earth, entertaining book that is easy to read and full of real-life examples.
by Trevor Silvester, 2016.
Written by a therapist who has done his fair share of dating, this book is full of practical tips as well as theory to help you reduce your stress, anxiety or negative expectations about dating. For example, you can learn to associate a scent with positive experiences, and then spray it just before your date. The scent will evoke a positive, confident mood that works wherever you are. Many people have had bad dating experiences that confirm beliefs like “I’m not lovable”, or when we get a compliment we can think “He’s just being nice”. Silvester encourages us to re-train our brain to focus on evidence that confirms positive ways of seeing yourself. Often we only notice the negative. He discusses the question of whether “opposites attract”, and how to work out if you’re compatible. It’s a down-to-earth, entertaining book that is easy to read and full of real-life examples.
Copies
Search the Library Catalogue
Search the Library Catalogue
Are you right for me?
by Andrew Marshall, 2011.
This book asks questions about your current relationship or date, with hundreds of examples from real-life couples. We are challenged on our unspoken assumptions, such as the myth of soulmates: Marshall argues that we need difference rather than similarity. For example, if we over-analyse everything, we need someone more practical to get a balance. Difference also keeps the relationship interesting and alive. Another myth is the “I shouldn’t have to tell you” assumption – testing your partner to see if they can guess what’s in your mind. Marshall discusses how to avoid repeating patterns - such as always choosing men that need fixing - with new partners. (Marshall estimates 80% of our relationship behaviour originates in childhood or previous relationships.) Other interesting issues include different motivations for dating, such as comfort dating, and commitment styles: some blow hot and cold, others become intimate too quickly, others take all the responsibility for keeping the relationship going. I found especially helpful the idea that we have equal needs for intimacy and independence. This is another easy to read, practical book.
by Andrew Marshall, 2011.
This book asks questions about your current relationship or date, with hundreds of examples from real-life couples. We are challenged on our unspoken assumptions, such as the myth of soulmates: Marshall argues that we need difference rather than similarity. For example, if we over-analyse everything, we need someone more practical to get a balance. Difference also keeps the relationship interesting and alive. Another myth is the “I shouldn’t have to tell you” assumption – testing your partner to see if they can guess what’s in your mind. Marshall discusses how to avoid repeating patterns - such as always choosing men that need fixing - with new partners. (Marshall estimates 80% of our relationship behaviour originates in childhood or previous relationships.) Other interesting issues include different motivations for dating, such as comfort dating, and commitment styles: some blow hot and cold, others become intimate too quickly, others take all the responsibility for keeping the relationship going. I found especially helpful the idea that we have equal needs for intimacy and independence. This is another easy to read, practical book.
Copies
Search the Library Catalogue
Search the Library Catalogue
Relationships require lots of skills to make them work, and yet many people are reluctant to get help, thinking there is a stigma attached to admitting your relationship isn’t perfect or you’re finding dating challenging.
We often have a relationship “blueprint” learnt from watching family members that doesn’t work. Reading biographies, self-help books and romantic fiction – including Sofia Khan is Not Obliged - can be great ways to expand our repertoire of expectations, behaviours, goals and ways of making sense of all our relationships.
Other non-fiction books available
Jane Austen's guide to dating
by Lauren Henderson, 2006.
Jane Austen's witty, perceptive and romantic novels have delighted readers for two hundred years. With clear sight, common sense and good judgment, she observed the hits and near-misses of her heroes and heroines in love. Relationships certainly haven't got any easier since then and Lauren Henderson believes that we might just have lost touch with the fundamental rules.
JANE AUSTEN'S GUIDE TO ROMANCE rights that wrong and brings Austen's Regency wisdom into the twenty-first century. This is the only relationship guide based on stories that really have stood the test of time. It's a fun, insightful book, full of concrete advice and wise strategies that illustrate how honesty, self-awareness and forthrightness do win the right man in the end and weed out the losers, playboys and toxic flirts.
Henderson deftly summarizes all the love stories in the books and introduces all the characters, so that newcomers and devotees alike can delight in this fun, fresh and audacious how-to guide.
by Lauren Henderson, 2006.
Jane Austen's witty, perceptive and romantic novels have delighted readers for two hundred years. With clear sight, common sense and good judgment, she observed the hits and near-misses of her heroes and heroines in love. Relationships certainly haven't got any easier since then and Lauren Henderson believes that we might just have lost touch with the fundamental rules.
JANE AUSTEN'S GUIDE TO ROMANCE rights that wrong and brings Austen's Regency wisdom into the twenty-first century. This is the only relationship guide based on stories that really have stood the test of time. It's a fun, insightful book, full of concrete advice and wise strategies that illustrate how honesty, self-awareness and forthrightness do win the right man in the end and weed out the losers, playboys and toxic flirts.
Henderson deftly summarizes all the love stories in the books and introduces all the characters, so that newcomers and devotees alike can delight in this fun, fresh and audacious how-to guide.
Copies
Search the Library Catalogue
Search the Library Catalogue
The unexpected joy of being single
By Catherine Gray, 2018.
* 'This refreshing, unusual book needs to exist. A culture shift which repositions a single person as someone who is relationship-free, complete, and not lacking is long overdue.' - The i *
Having a secret single freak-out? Feeling the red, heart-shaped urgency intensify as the years roll on by? Oh hi! You're in the right place.
Over half of Brits aged 25-44 are now single. It's become the norm to remain solo until much later in life, given the average marriage ages of 35 (women) and 38 (men). Many of us are choosing never to marry at all.
But society, films, song lyrics and our parents are adamant that a happy ending has to be couple-shaped. That we're incomplete without an 'other half'*, like a bisected panto pony. Cue: single sorrow. Dating like it's a job. Spending half our lives waiting for somebody-we-fancy to text us back. Feeling haunted by the terms 'spinster' or 'confirmed bachelor.'
Catherine Gray took a whole year off dating to find single satisfaction. She lifted the lid on the reasons behind the global single revolution, explored the bizarre ways cultures single-shame, detached from 'all the good ones are gone!' panic and debunked the myth that married people are much happier.
Let's start the reverse brainwash, in order to locate - and luxuriate in - single happiness. Are you in?
*Spoiler: you're already whole
By Catherine Gray, 2018.
* 'This refreshing, unusual book needs to exist. A culture shift which repositions a single person as someone who is relationship-free, complete, and not lacking is long overdue.' - The i *
Having a secret single freak-out? Feeling the red, heart-shaped urgency intensify as the years roll on by? Oh hi! You're in the right place.
Over half of Brits aged 25-44 are now single. It's become the norm to remain solo until much later in life, given the average marriage ages of 35 (women) and 38 (men). Many of us are choosing never to marry at all.
But society, films, song lyrics and our parents are adamant that a happy ending has to be couple-shaped. That we're incomplete without an 'other half'*, like a bisected panto pony. Cue: single sorrow. Dating like it's a job. Spending half our lives waiting for somebody-we-fancy to text us back. Feeling haunted by the terms 'spinster' or 'confirmed bachelor.'
Catherine Gray took a whole year off dating to find single satisfaction. She lifted the lid on the reasons behind the global single revolution, explored the bizarre ways cultures single-shame, detached from 'all the good ones are gone!' panic and debunked the myth that married people are much happier.
Let's start the reverse brainwash, in order to locate - and luxuriate in - single happiness. Are you in?
*Spoiler: you're already whole
Copies
Search the Library Catalogue
Search the Library Catalogue
The secrets of enduring love
by Meg John Barker, 2016.
The Secrets of Enduring Love focuses on what couples actually do to maintain, nurture and nourish their relationships. The reader will be taken on a journey through different ways of doing relationships, focusing on the key themes which came out of the research: everyday acts of kindness and appreciation; the importance of home; communication and conflict management; sex and intimacy; incorporating others into the relationship (children, pets, friends, hobbies); and telling your own love story.
One of the key messages from the research is that different things work for different people, and at different times in the relationship. For this reason the book focuses on the differnt practices that we might bring into our own relationships, helping us to recognise the small things which we may be already doing but which ordinarily go by unnoticed, and offering a helping hand to find out what works best for us.
by Meg John Barker, 2016.
The Secrets of Enduring Love focuses on what couples actually do to maintain, nurture and nourish their relationships. The reader will be taken on a journey through different ways of doing relationships, focusing on the key themes which came out of the research: everyday acts of kindness and appreciation; the importance of home; communication and conflict management; sex and intimacy; incorporating others into the relationship (children, pets, friends, hobbies); and telling your own love story.
One of the key messages from the research is that different things work for different people, and at different times in the relationship. For this reason the book focuses on the differnt practices that we might bring into our own relationships, helping us to recognise the small things which we may be already doing but which ordinarily go by unnoticed, and offering a helping hand to find out what works best for us.
Copies
Search the Library Catalogue
Search the Library Catalogue
Loving Yourself Loving Another
by Julia Cole, 2010.
This guide shows how self-esteem affects the quality of one's relationships. Relate counsellor Julia Cole suggests that low self-esteem -no matter whether due to one's character, upbringing or adult experiences - is one of the main reasons that people fail to have satisfying relationships. This book shows what makes people choose a particular partner, and includes advice on how to: --manage a difficult relationship where one partner withdraws or suffers from depression or aggression --identify what is a healthy relationship --build strong 'couple esteem' for a healthy, long-lasting relationship --and improve sex through exercises and advice.
by Julia Cole, 2010.
This guide shows how self-esteem affects the quality of one's relationships. Relate counsellor Julia Cole suggests that low self-esteem -no matter whether due to one's character, upbringing or adult experiences - is one of the main reasons that people fail to have satisfying relationships. This book shows what makes people choose a particular partner, and includes advice on how to: --manage a difficult relationship where one partner withdraws or suffers from depression or aggression --identify what is a healthy relationship --build strong 'couple esteem' for a healthy, long-lasting relationship --and improve sex through exercises and advice.
The Single Trap
by Andrew Marshall, 2010.
Are you tired of casual relationships and playing 'the game'? Do you want to settle down, but can't seem to be able to find the right person? Have you just come out of a long-term relationship, or had your heart badly broken? Do you worry that nobody will love you again? If any of this sounds familiar, you may have fallen into the Single Trap.
You are not alone. For the first time ever, the number of single-person households in the UK is about to outnumber those with families. In this ground-breaking book, marital therapist Andrew G. Marshall diagnoses the underlying social trends and sets out his two-step guide to freeing yourself from the trap and finding lasting love. He explains:
- The defences that stop us getting hurt but also serve as barriers to potential new relationships
- How like attracts like, and how to work on balancing yourself to bring similarly balanced people into your life
- New ways to search for a partner that encourage an open mind and more fulfilling emotional connections
- How to tell if you and your new man or woman have the makings of a successful long-term partnership
Marshall has spent nearly twenty-five years helping people untangle their love lives, communicate better and find true happiness. In this practical and thought-provoking book, he combines the latest research into relationships with years of counselling experience to design a programme that works.
by Andrew Marshall, 2010.
Are you tired of casual relationships and playing 'the game'? Do you want to settle down, but can't seem to be able to find the right person? Have you just come out of a long-term relationship, or had your heart badly broken? Do you worry that nobody will love you again? If any of this sounds familiar, you may have fallen into the Single Trap.
You are not alone. For the first time ever, the number of single-person households in the UK is about to outnumber those with families. In this ground-breaking book, marital therapist Andrew G. Marshall diagnoses the underlying social trends and sets out his two-step guide to freeing yourself from the trap and finding lasting love. He explains:
- The defences that stop us getting hurt but also serve as barriers to potential new relationships
- How like attracts like, and how to work on balancing yourself to bring similarly balanced people into your life
- New ways to search for a partner that encourage an open mind and more fulfilling emotional connections
- How to tell if you and your new man or woman have the makings of a successful long-term partnership
Marshall has spent nearly twenty-five years helping people untangle their love lives, communicate better and find true happiness. In this practical and thought-provoking book, he combines the latest research into relationships with years of counselling experience to design a programme that works.
Copies
Search the Library Catalogue
Search the Library Catalogue
Comments